Gimme Some More Happy Pills
And do not grumble, as some of them did—and were killed by the destroying angel. 1 Corinthians 10:10 NIV
“If you don’t have anything good to say don’t say anything at all.” – My mother
“End of the road… nothing to do… and no hope of things getting better.” – Eeyore
“Stop complaining. There are starving kids in China who’d love to eat your dinner!” –My mother, again
Last week my wife asked if I was out of my happy pills. By this she meant was I still taking my daily dose of oxitriptan. Oxitriptan is supposed to promote a positive mental outlook on life but you’d never know it from listening to me yell at the television.
Oops, sorry. What I meant to say is: OH MY GOSH DO I FEEL GREAT! I’M LIKE SO HAPPY TO BE, YOU KNOW, HAPPY!
I come from a long line of sad and jaded genes. On my mom’s side of the family we joke about the Wooten women – those dour aunts, great aunts and not-so-great aunts that find tarnish in every silver lining. Dad was more laid back. In fact, Dad is really laid back, now.
Dad is dead.
Oops, sorry. That’s the yippy-skippy, anything-I-say-sounds-funny-to-me pill kicking in.
I inherited the cynic gene from Dad. “The races are rigged, every one of ’em.”
Dad made this pronouncement twenty – no, forty years ago. Back then they didn’t even have racing rules, let alone drivers who could read a rulebook. You simply drove your car onto the track, stomped the pedal and crashed into a wall.
“Pro football is fixed, all politicians are crooked and kids can’t be trust – you especially, Eddie.”
And thank God I’m not dumb enough to complain to God when He sends my favorite college basketball team packing after the first game of the NCAA tournament. Oops, sorry, what I meant to say is: OH MY GOSH I SO LOVE THAT N.C. STATE LOST TO TEMPLE. I THINK IT’S GREAT WE WERE RANKED NUMBER 6 IN THE COUNTRY AT THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR AND PICKED TO WIN OUR CONFERENCE AND COULDN’T EVEN BEAT A TEAM OF OWLS.
This week’s He Said, She Said verse references an event in history when God’s spoiled little boys and girls didn’t get their way (again). A power struggle broke out between Moses and two guys I can’t remember. Moses went to God and complained. God told Moses to stop being a tattletale. Then God said He was pretty miffed with the pair, too, and told Moses to warn everyone in the camp to back up and watch out – God had heard enough grumbling for one day. Most everyone backed up except for the two guys whose names I can’t remember.
The earth opened up. The two men, along with their families and camels, fell into a giant pit that resembled a Florida sink hole and were buried alive. By alive I mean they were alive when they fell into the hole but then, you know, not so much.
Next day the people complained to God, again. This time it had to do with the two men. Seems the pair of rabble-rousers were the only individuals in the camp that knew how to change the channels on the TV. God in His infinite wisdom sent a plague and wiped out 14,000 spectators, not to mention those with media passes, including Dick Vitale.
Moral of the story? Don’t expect your team to win any games in the NCAA tournament and you won’t be disappointed.
Other moral of the story?
There are starving people in China, India, and Africa that would love to have the crumbs we sweep into the garbage.
If you do not have anything nice to say, you should keep quiet – especially if your comments are in any way related to your wife’s appearance.
And yes, sometimes things do not get better with time, so remember the good times and be grateful you can remember anything.