I divorced over anger. All the daily exchanges of harsh words and actions built into an avalanche of suffocating rejection. Yet I had no idea I was the angry one.
I blamed my spouse as the one who meted out debilitatingly harsh words, physical tension, and silent disengagement toward me and our children over twenty-three years of marriage. My son was the most obvious casualty of divorce. We had no relationship for eleven years. For this, I was supremely bitter, angry, and ashamed. I had lost control of his heart and mind and didn’t like it one bit. Fear of losing my son forever took over my daily thoughts. My heart mourned the death of our relationship. As a result, I exchanged my identity as a mother for shameful inadequacies glaring for the world to see and judge.
The gut-wrenching pain of not sharing life with my son as he entered his college years threw me into a shameful pit of no escape. Every semblance of joy and love was painfully scraped from the nooks and crannies of my heart. My heart was torched and re-torched daily. The leftover ashes held no ability to spark. A cold stone lay in my chest.
I felt deeply shamed by my divorce. My anger flared with every tidbit of information I heard about my son’s life through his siblings’ conversations. This would send me right back to square one. My impatience created anger. I wanted the relationship with my son fixed.
Waiting is being patient, and that’s not easy. Waiting is also critical to controlling anger so we don’t suffer the shame of foolish choices.
Impulsivity is the opposite of waiting. God tells us that the power of patience brings wisdom. With wisdom comes self-control, and with self-control, anger does not prevail. Waiting through prayer is an exercise in healing an impatient, angry, shamed spirit. God answers prayers.
Think of the times you have reacted in anger instead of waiting to think it through and praying for self-control. Seek God’s will in the outcome of what your heart desires.
Andrea Tong is a writer.